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| Jamie: you dont know the first thing about being someone's friend
Landon: i dont want to be just your friend
Jamie: you dont know what you want
Landon: neither do you.. maybe you're just scared too scared that someone might actually want to be with you
Jamie: and why would that scare me?
Landon: because then you wouldnt be able to hide behind your books, and your frikkin telescope, or your faith, no, no, you know the real reason why you're scared? it's because you wanna be with me too. | | |
| "... he's a good looking guy, but looks can only take you so far .."
i know im suppose to be over a certain someone .. but these past few days ive been questioning myself about him ... its almost s though i was re-assuring myself of the choices we've made these past few months .. im still trying to analyze these thoughts ... but one thing for sure, thinking about him .. i feel nothing .. and it kinda makes me wonder where those feelings went ..
i guess what im trying to say is that ... after loving someone soo much with all your heart ... where does that love go, after? i cant imagine nor wanna believe that i couldve felt so strongly about someone yet, thinking about him now .... i feel, NOTHING. ... it was as if he never existed or never touched my life ... and it kinda makes me wonder whether or not i truly did love him in the first place ... or perhaps this is simply life letting me know that its over .. the heartache and all that ...
i was sitting on the bus today and i remembered a certain someone and how they told me that "she was fortunately lucky enough to have lived in luxury but she has been not so fortunate in finding true love" and she gave me the most important advice .. at one point in my life i will make a choice ... money or love ... and this decision will shape how i will live my life ...
it kinda got me thinking of this whole aspect of 'its one or the other' ... issit truly one or the other .. or can you be lucky enough to have both?
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| ".... that's where they get you, thinking you got a choice .. love finds you son .. you don't find love .. it's got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, whats written in the stars .. and a lot to do with the simple fact that most women are smarter than we are and wily .."
ive been thinking a lot lately .. to the point that i know my head is going to explode soon enough ..
last night i didnt get any sleep at all ... tossing & turning ... i hate it when i have so many thoughts running through my head that i cant get to sleep ..
truth be told .. even though i feel as though my life is okay .. i feel like thats just it .. it's 'okay' ... it has come o the point that yes, i dont know what to do with myself ... its this feeling of feeling lost and helplessness thats gotten me thinking of various aspects of my life ..
yes i have a job
yes i have good friends
yes i have a good family to hold me up
yes i am studying something i absolutely love
yes i maintain a good time to have a social life
.... but there is always something that is missing, always something ..
i guess i will never be truly satisfied with everything .. everything's just become a routine to which i wake up to every morning feeling no excitement at all ...
as much as i love being stress free ... i kinda miss the chaos and destruction that once consumed this oh so life of mine .. now it just makes me wanna go to sleep ... i come home so exhausted that i have no time to do anything else ... or so it feels like ...
i dont know ... maybe having my mum not around is finally taking its toll ....
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| "... missing someone gets easier everyday because even though it's one day further from the last day you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next day you will ..."
i wrote two whole paragraphs about change, friends and being fed up ..
i decided to delete cos i realize it is the same thing i blog about .. it no longer holds any interest for me or whoever is reading this, if it's been used and read about a gazillion times ..
a new year, a new me?
that is what i say every year ..
im tired of saying "next year, this is gonna happen so and so" .. normally it would go along the lines of:
'next year i am going to lose weight ..'
'next year i will be a different person ..'
'next year i will make more friends ..'
'next year i will get over him ..'
'next year i will fall in love'
BLAH BLAH BLAH ...
im tired of hoping and wishing for shiet .. and i am tired of using 'next year' as a tool or motivation to change something about myself or to achieve something .. why start next year when you can start now right? what i realize is that people, even myself, always tries to use some excuse why they cant start on something now .. well that is gonna stop ... so my resolution is ...
'this year (whatever remains of it) and next year i am going to take back control over every facet of my life, i will no longer rely on wishful thinking and WHAT I CAN DO in the future but instead worry about WHAT I CAN DO NOW'
on a happier note, my friend lend me his hardrive with all his movies and tv shows, so that is how i will be spending xmas ... staying in bed, eating and watching re-runs of new and old tv shows.. sounds blissful does it not ?! .. not really what i wish is to spend it with my brother AND mum ... but i will settle for the next best thing :)
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| "... when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like to make sure you're still alive .. because you are, and that pain you feel ... that's life .. the confusion and fear, that's there to remind that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for .."
something happened last week ... i re-appearance by mr big, has left quite fragile and bruised once again ... it still pretty shameful to admit that he still has this power over me .. after trying to build this wall around me, i felt it all crumble down with one single word from him ... let this be a lesson to me and everyone who are going through the same situation .. BUILD A STRONGER WALL!
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